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The Drill/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW It's "the new red green show"! Here's a man who needs no introduction but oftentimes an alibi... Your hero, my uncle, red green! (applause and cheering) all right. Thanks very much! Attaboy, harold. (applause) thank you. We had a problem yesterday. Junior got a new rear-view mirror for his car. He borrowed a cordless drill from alfie dinkle to install the thing. This was a huge mirror. It was from the space shuttle. About four feet wide -- kind of a rear-view mirror imax deal. He got that mounted. He can see everything behind him. Doesn't have to turn his head. He sees everything behind the car. It's too bad the blueberry stand was in front of it. He hit it head-on! He wiped 'er out of there! Nailed 'er -- oh, man! It's ok, though -- nobody was hurt. The blueberries acted like a million little airbags. Junior's car's not white any more. It's like a blueberry blue. Yeah, but he's gonna take that mirror off, but he can't borrow the cordless drill from alfie because alfie was also the owner of the blueberry stand. He's a little ticked. Ha! He's crushed. (laughing) so now, get this, get this. Junior has given harold 100 bucks -- show 'em -- to buy him a new cordless drill. How about that, huh? That's excellent! Buying a power tool makes you a man. (audience laughing) then you better make sure you get it half-off. (audience laughing) (horns honking) (geese honking) (quacking) (red): You're lookin' at segments from this particular show, the message being, for gosh sakes, don't even think about changing the channel. To make sense out of this programme, you gotta give it your undivided attention. I hope harold can handle the pressure of buying this drill. This could be a turning point. Maybe the kids won't beat up on him so bad. When they see that cordless unit, might give them the idea to drill him one! Uncle red, I got it! It's such a beautiful drill. It's cordless, it's reversible. It's got extra batteries and a charger, bits, carrying case, top of the line, $97. "yes, please, ring it through. "have a rainbow day." (laughing) 97 bucks, harold? Boy, they saw you coming, didn't they? I got it at lenny's electrical shop. Don't buy from lenny's. He hates us -- we owe him money. If I only shopped places you don't owe money to, I'd have to go to France. You don't want to buy stuff from lenny. He's just a middleman. He's got overhead. It's a shop he runs out of his basement! That can't be cheap. The sump pump's always running. That's crazy -- $97 is a fair price. They're $94.50 at the hardware and such. Yeah, ok, three bucks, big deal. You save three bucks a day for a month, how much have you got? That depends on the month. Well, no, it doesn't. Three bucks is three bucks, whether it's February or may! These kids today, they got no money sense. I'll get a drill so cheap, it will make your head spin. If it made his head spin, we wouldn't need a drill. (audience laughing) (red): Later, we'll have the "adventures with bill". What he'll be doing this week, real exciting. No, it's not what you're thinking. He's gonna do some pole-vaulting. Oh, yeah. Oooh! By golly! For his first challenge, he's gonna try and vault over the van. Gosh, I hope this goes well. (bill): Eeeeeyah! Ohhhh! (red): Perfect! ♪ ohhhhh ♪ ♪ happy, happy people call me on the phone ♪ ♪ to tell me about some nut-bar product ♪ ♪ they think I should own ♪ ♪ if you look back through history ♪ ♪ at the cause of every war ♪ ♪ you'll find happy, happy people ♪ ♪ happy, happy people ♪ ♪ and an army of guys like me ♪ ♪ who just couldn't take it any more ♪ aooo! We're playing for the grand prize of a turnip farm and four tons of wax. Uncle red, you have 30 seconds to get mr. Buzz sherwood to say this word... Buzz? Excellent. The word is... "quiet". "quiet". Oh, we get it. And go! Ok, buzz. Oh, cool! A machine that isn't loud is... Broken! (audience laughing) no, if you don't make any noise, you're... Oh, you're dead, man! (laughing) I'm not... Peace and... Carrots! Not peas! Peace! Oh, peace. Peace and... Love? Uh, come together? Rash? No, no, hold it. People come up to possum lodge for the peace and... Witness relocation! (audience laughing) we're almost out of time. I know -- I'm thinking... Think movies, ok? "all 'something' on the western front". "all 'something' on the western front". Um... Food stains! (singing) um... Chest hair? I wish you'd just be quiet for a second! Whoa! (applause) there you go. We're out of time. One big difference between my generation and harold's is he never got to experience those rear-engine, rear-wheel-drive cars. You know, the volkswagen beetle, the corvair. They say the corvair was unsafe at any speed. I'm sorry harold missed that. So this week on "handyman corner", we're gonna take a front-engine, front-wheel-drive car and turn it into a rear-engine, rear-wheel-drive classic. All you gotta do is just take the engine out, move that. You gotta move the rad and the battery and the windshield... All right. There's not enough duct tape in the world for that job. Now we're scuppered... Unless... You know, that just might work. Even if it doesn't, I don't care. This is old man sedgwick's car. To turn a front-engine front-wheel-drive vehicle into a rear-engine, rear-wheel-drive vehicle turn everything around. Put the controls at the back. Have the seats facing the other way. There you are -- it's that simple. To get the front seat out, all you need is maybe some tools, some oil... Or... Just some rust. I mean, rust is a natural process. It's always good to work with nature. All right, then. Once you got the seat removed, and you've removed the upholstery -- which you should replace from time to time -- let 'er cool down, and take the driver's seat and put 'er in the car backwards. You want to secure that. You can bolt it down, you can weld it, or you could do what I like to do -- use the handyman's secret weapon... Duct tape. You could use this as your new upholstery. If you put it on sticky-side-out, you wouldn't even need seatbelts. (sizzling) once you got 'er all done, you just mount 'er inside... (grunting) ... With more of the same. (grunting) rather than take the controls and mount them on the back, get different controls out of a boat... Maybe a boat you don't want, or somebody doesn't want... Or at least they won't, as soon as they find out the controls been ripped out. Take the steering wheel from the boat and hook that up to the car's steering wheel. Your gas pedal, you hook up to the hand throttle from the boat, and as far as the brakes go, use your anchor rope. (grunting) (grunting) I got our controls all hooked up. The only problem is, we got the headlights at the back. We got the tail-lights at the front. To correct that, we gotta take those off... Ok, it's a phillips screwdriver. You'll need plastic flower-holders and you can turn headlights into tail-lights. We got the controls all set up and she's ready to go boating-- or, I should say, driving -- watch this. (squeaking) and start 'er up. (engine whirring) it's just that easy to turn a front-wheel-drive, front-engine car into a rear-wheel-drive, rear-engine car. Just put everything in reverse. Remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. It's the best of both worlds. She looks like a car, drives like a boat... "the titanic"! Stay tuned -- whatever this is, we got lots more of it. Want to talk to you ladies out there so that you don't panic when your husband starts going a little wacky. (audience laughing) a man gets to a certain age, he looks around and he realizes he basically has nothing to show for his life. He may have spent the last 25 years sitting at a desk, or maybe being on the phone all that time, and the only progress he's made is building a huge gut that protects his belt from the sun. (laughing and applause) so... (laughing) you may find, at this point, that your man will go out and buy himself some power tools and start disappearing into the garage for long periods of time. There's nothing to worry about. What he's doing is building some huge, clumsy, odd-looking piece of crap that he's gonna leave behind so people will remember him. They won't be fond memories, but he doesn't need to know that now. And I'll tell you something. If his mother had kept that 65-pound ashtray he brought home in grade 5, none of this would have happened. Here's something for you moms to remember. When your son comes home with his first project, you treasure it. Leave it out on the counter where everybody gets to look at it all the time. You'll be doing his future wife a huge favour. Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together. (laughing and applause) does it hurt yet? Cut it out, harold. I found the same cordless drill at the drill depot. Instead of $97, it was $86.99, harold. Wow, that's like a $10.01 savings. But there was no case and no drill bits. So the one I got is ok. No, because then I went to power tools r us. That's power tools rust -- the "t" fell off the sign. Well, they had it for eight bucks less. So you got that one. It didn't come with a charger. Then I went to number lumber. I thought we weren't allowed back in that store. Well, I waited till his wife left. I promised to pay him cash. That helps. He had the drill, the case, the charger, and drill bits, 80 bucks. Excellent, ok. But no stock. So now I'm going to bill's build-all in buildings. What about all your time and gas? Harold, when you get to my age, time and gas is all you have left. (applause) all right, time for "adventures with bill". Bill's gonna do some pole-vaulting. That ground's pretty hard. You're gonna break every bone in your body. He's got another idea. He's got some type of padding left from the disco era. Boy oh boy. Oh my gosh. Holy mackerel! That must have been uncomfortable to sit on. He's gonna use that as a... That would be the landing area there. That makes sense. Now what, bill? All right. I don't know quite what he's got in mind, but we'll see. That can't be all there is to it. All right, uh... Away he goes. The hard ground. She won't dig in. There you go. You're too close! Oh boy. You're too close. So he needs to make a spot there. So, he's gonna have me... I don't know what I was thinking of here. But he wanted to use my foot as the back-stop for the pole. I'm getting a little... So I just... Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy. Look out, look out. Whoa! Oh, hey, hey! Hey, that's cold. Make a wish. All right, he's got a better idea. He's gonna plant a hole... Ow! ... Right in my foot. Thank you, bill. There you go. All right, there you go. Back he goes. Just back away. And here he comes -- mr. Athlete. And there he goes! You're gonna clear it. It's gonna take a few minutes to get bill's head out from his shoulder blades. We'll finish the adventure a little later. With my 12-step programme, I can help you overcome that biological imperative. No more "sorry, it's a guy thing." I want to start by calling on my uncle red. Oh, man -- no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no. Never mind. All right, uh... My name is red and I'm a man. Hi, red. Let's do the "men anonymous" pledge. (all): I am a male, but I can change if I have to, I guess. Ok. Well done, well done. Let's just open the meeting. Let's get started. Who wants to share their feelings? Ok, who wants to tell a good story about themselves? Oh, ok, great. Um, dalton. (clearing throat) all right, uh... My name's dalton. (all): Hi, dalton. I'm a man, and I have been ever since the age of 9. (audience laughing) I'm working on it, and uh, you know, one day at a time. Anyway, I was out in the garage the other day, and I found this. I don't know what it's for and I don't know what it does. It's not worth much, obviously. I can't think of a thing to use it for, so... I threw it out. All right. Very good. Oh boy. Uh, you know, I know that someday I'm going to be working around the house, and I'm gonna need it, but... It will be the perfect thing. I threw it out. How come you still have it? I thought of what I could use it for, so I pulled it out of the garbage. What are you going to use it for? Well... Well, to bring to the meeting. You know, to show, to show you. To show my resolve. I'm gonna keep this as a reminder of how strong I am when I put my mind to it. This is a trophy! Yeah. Yup. (red): All right. Here we are to finish off "adventures with bill". He's decided that one pole isn't long enough. That's why he's not clearing the bar. So we got a couple together. Boy, that... That looks safe and sturdy. And so does the pole. And he comes and he comes. He plants that. And then up, up, up, up. Way you go. Up, up. This happens to a lot of men bill's age. Come on, bill, give it up. So what he decided he needs is more speed. That's where the van... It's sir vault-a-lot. Up he goes. And away you go over the bar. Hey, that's three points. Ow!... Ohh! I think that we've finally got this thing finished off, don't we, bill? Yeah, he's finished off. Special thanks to a viewer for these band-aids made from duct tape. There is nothing like getting bargains to make you feel good. Then, with the money you save, you can buy more bargains. How much was the cordless drill? Oh -- we almost bought one up in port asbestos. You went all the way to port asbestos to save a few bucks? To save an extra dollar, you gotta go an extra mile. An extra 125 miles?! Did you save an extra $125? 'cause if you did, that means you spent minus $28 on the drill. They had one at the shoppers club, $72.50. Mind you, you had to be there for the special, clip the coupon, cash in your air miles, then you had to scratch-and-save and mail in the rebate. So how much did you pay? Well, nothing, harold. There was so many other bargains. Cheese, they had 25 pounds of cheese for 10 bucks. And it looked great. Really orangey. And then you get that much cheese, you gotta go with the crackers. A huge bucket of cracker, 23 bucks. Old man sedgwick got a big barrel of lego. How much to join this club? Only 45 bucks. You see why we didn't have money to buy a cordless-- now we're going to go where the real bargains are, across the border. No. Oh, yeah. Duty-free perfume, beer. Cheap shoes, cheap shirts, cheap drills. God bless america. God save america. Want to talk to you young kids, if any of you are watching. I feel sorry for you guys. Gotta be tough being a kid these days. As soon as you find something cool to wear or do, some dorky parent does the same thing 'cause it makes them feel young. Maybe it's wearing your cap backwards or your pants inside-out, or maybe that mosh-pit thing. It doesn't matter what it is. Parents get into it and that makes it uncool. How must you feel when a senior citizen can do it better than you? You know what I say? You got to get into weirder and weirder music, wearing wilder and wilder clothes, and doing stranger and stranger behaviour. Eventually you'll be so far out there that no adult in their right mind will try it. But don't get your hopes up. Adults in their right mind are a minority. (grunting) ow, ow. Is that you, uncle red, or the path of the tornado? Harold, you missed out on some great bargains. How did you get across the border? I thought you were allowed $300 worth of stuff? We never got to the border. Oh, the lawn sales. Man! Unbelievable. That would explain the wheel. I got three more like it for 20 bucks. Think of the stuff we can make. Coffee table, coat rack, lazy susan, you know. Where have you seen a lawn chair for five bucks. Oh, boy, there you go. This is just me thinking. I'm thinking there. Did you happen to pick up a cordless drill for junior singleton? Think back. I got one for 10 bucks. Look at that. Cordless, variable speed, reversible, and never needs charging. Ok, fine, but I'm keeping this one. I love this. I've been drilling. Sanding and boring all day. Harold, you've been boring all your life. A-ha-ha. (imitating john wayne): I've fixed 9,000 things with this today. Ha ha ha. I would have fixed more, but I ran out of screws. I know where we can get 'em cheap. Don't even think about it! Don't you do that! (possum squeal) it's time for the meeting. I'll see you downstairs then, mr. Bargoon. I'll be right there, mr. Total-goon. (laughing) if my wife is watching, I'll be home after the meeting, unless I go by a yard sale or a garage sale... Or a dump. Thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and harold and the gang, keep your stick on the ice. (applause and cheering) (possum squeal) (red): Get off there, harold. (harold): Everybody to their seats. He'll get grouchy if you're not in your seats. You don't wanna see that. His beard all foamy and crumbs-- oh, he's here. All rise. What are you sitting down? (all): Quando omni flunkus, moritati. (red): Sit down. All these years I've been waiting to drill harold. To join possum lodge or to get possum lodge merchandise, call... Or check out harold's home page on the internet. Closed captions premier subtitling inc. Boy, this is too much!